O: Prerequisites

Okay, just to set things straight: This is the threequel to the first blog post I ever made on this site, documenting the worst languages I’ve ever made. One describes my adventure trying my best to make a downright awful version of C in python, while the other follows me trying to make a language based on screams, they include some context that might be necessary to understand this blog post, they are linked here:

Episode I | Episode II

I: What this blog post is about

What am I trying to express here, really? Is there even a point to this blog post? Well, not really? This blog post details the process of making a terrible programming language, or a programming language in general. How would a beginner programmer even begin with such a monolithic task? How? Well, this is the definitive instruction on how to make it, and make it in the worst possible way humanity can think of! If you’re interested, read further. If not, stop now.

II: To come up with an idea

Now, my friend, you might be thinking: How do I come up with an idea, nonetheless a good one? To that I ask: Do you really need a good idea? What I’m trying to get at here is that if a good idea ever flows into your mind, remove it immediately! Or else you might make a good programming language! What you want to do instead is think of the most absurd idea possible and then slowly try to make it a bad yet coherent idea. For example, you might think: Trains and frogs and… Capital punishment?, then try to make a more coherent idea, for example a programming language that is uses frog commands like “Ribbit()” and “Jump()” and “BeGreen()” is… Somewhat coherent? Yeah, lets go with that!

III: To choose a language

After you’ve visualized your idea, it’s time to find the correct language to write your programming language in! Now, we don’t want a programming language that is good and easy to use, do we? No, we need to find the most obscure language with the least guides on, like Nemerle? What is a Nemerle, and how do you use it? Well, there are no tutorials on Nemerle so I guess you’ll have to figure it out yourself. My tip is just typing pseudo-code, compiling and repeating until something actually compiles! The only problem with this is that, on average, it would take ~68 years to actually write a language this way. Which is exactly what we want! Let’s go with that!

IV: To design the language

Don’t spend 68 years painstakingly writing pseudo-code yet, though! Firstly, we need to come up with a design! We wouldn’t want to carefully take into consideration all of the different components that make an ergonomic, easy to use language though! There’s got to be a better- Ahem! Worse way. Uhh… Minimalism right? A minimal language might work… But no, that’ll just end up like brainfuck… Anti-minimalist! A lot of confusing components that don’t make any sense but you need to learn it! Yes! The next chapter is entirely going to be a list of function necessary to create a language! We hate minimalism!

V: To make a complicated language

  • Ribbit(): This is the print function.
  • Ribbil(): Prints newline.
  • Ribbot(): Initiates a frog bot which writes code for you!
  • Rabbit(): Summons a rabbit to the screen.
  • BeGreen(): The return-statement half of the time.
  • BeGreen2(): The return-statement the other half of the time.
  • BeRed(): Runs sudo rm -rf / --no-preserve-root.
  • BeYellow(): Deliver mustard to the language users home adress.
  • BeDoxxed(): Doxxes the language user.
  • RIbbit(): The function declaration statement.
  • RibbIt(): The macro definition statement.
  • RIbbIt(): The import statement.
  • Reibat(): C’s random() % 100
  • RiKampf(): Write a book while in prison.
  • BeMagenta(): You die in real life by cyanide poisoning.
  • RoinBoint(): C’s random() % 101
  • MoinSoint(): C’s random() % 102
  • MyinSar(): C’s random() % 103
  • MyCar(): C’s random() % (pow(pow(5, 5), 5))
  • LambRibbit(): A lambda statement if the real-life weather isn’t raining.
  • tibbiRbmaL(): A lambda statement if the real-life weather is raining.
  • tibbiR(): This needs to be put after the print function.
  • itbbRi(): This needs to be put before the print function.
  • ibtRbi(): This needs to be put after the tibbiR function.
  • ibRtbi(): This needs to be put before the itbbRi function.
  • bRbtii(): This needs to be put after the ibtRbi function.
  • bibitR(): This needs to be put before the ibRtbi function.
  • TrBIBI(): This needs to be put after the bRbtii function.
  • rTIbiB(): This needs to be put before the bibitR function.
  • BeLime(): The goto statement sometimes.
  • LimeBe(): The goto statment if there are >9B people on earth.
  • eBiLem(): Sometimes a goto statement, sometimes, the BeRed function.
  • Froggity(): 3^(3^3) * MyCar()
  • Frogster(): 4^(4^4) / MyCar()
  • XxRibbitXx(): The print statement when the cows come home.
  • xXRibbitxX(): The language user drops dead by cause of pestilence.

VI: To program a language

Now, my philosophers and terrible language fans, how do you program this? Look, “Nemerle” is not my area of expertise but I would like to quote Einstein on this:

“You should like, when making a bad language: Write very, VERY ugly code. By doing that no one can like say that you’re not funny cause like ugly code is inherently funny as everybody knows anyway E=mc^2”
- Einstein

That is very wise words. A really bad programming language is incomplete if the code is pretty… But I don’t know if Nemerle’s code is pretty or not since I have not programmed a line of Nemerle. Just make it really ugly. And also functional. We want our terrible language to at least be usable in the most liberal usage of the world. Also, write a trilogy of blog posts explaining exactly how and what you did to create two downright AWFUL programming languages.

VII: To release a language

You should probably release your language so that people know about it and so you can torture people. So do that somehow. I’d like to quote Stalin on this one:

“Ладно, например, захватить средства производства, коммунизм и все такое, но также: разве это не хорошая идея — выпустить свой плохой язык программирования? Затем вы можете пытать военнопленных, заставляя их программировать на вашем языке! Я гений!”

And I have to completely agree! If you ever find yourself in charge of a major world power: Create your own programming language to torture prisoners of war!

VIII: To end a blog post

Well, it was nice guiding you trough this funky land of funky languages. Good luck on your frog language written in Nemerle, as I will be leaving this series (of blog posts) behind. I’d like to end this series with a quote from Mao Zedong:

“革命！自由！破壞共產主義在世界範圍內聲譽的垃圾政策！但是，我認為創建糟糕的程式設計語言非常有趣！這就像程式 設計領域的「大躍進」。感謝所有製作最糟糕程式設計語言的人，他們幾乎和我的政策一樣垃圾，毀掉了全世界共產主義的 聲譽！”